i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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