He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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