If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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