Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
please come you make the beer taste better
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
