just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
