what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
