just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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