My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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