Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
