I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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