I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
