my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just found a bag of teeth...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
