How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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