I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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