i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
