I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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