My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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