There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize