She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
whose parrot is this?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
