just tell him i said nine months
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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