First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
