naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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