it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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