he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
