Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
