If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
