I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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