You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
