The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
