I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
