Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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