apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
