Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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