you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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