I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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