proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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