I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
