So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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