1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i came on her dog
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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