Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Randomize
