I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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