hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
