I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Did I show you my penis last night?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
