She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
