Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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