I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
