I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
