So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
