Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
