we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize