Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
