no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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