On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
