I think I won the penis lottery.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
