I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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