hotel room ftw
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
where are my pants?
in the oven.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
