I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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