Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
