i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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