i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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